An abuser or an abusive relationship
It is a myth that domestic abusers only abuse because of a situation the ‘victim’ has created or they have been ‘drinking heavily’, ‘taking drugs’, are ‘depressed’ or have ‘anger’ issues. These are often excuses for their abusive behaviour.
We need to move away from focusing on the victim. This is victim blaming. No-one asks to be abused.
Depression, alcohol and anger do not make you abuse. The abuser abuses because they want to not because they cannot help it.
Here are some signs that may mean you have entered an abusive relationship:
- Pushes to get intimate before you are ready
- Relationship moves very quickly
- Does not respect your privacy
- Selfishness/Self centeredness
- Possessiveness – treating you and the children as objects
- Stalking behaviour i.e. turning up at your work, home etc. unannounced
- Unrealistic expectations – an abuser expects you to meet all of their needs
- Threat of Violence
- Instilling fear, threatening family members, children, pets
- Silent treatment
- Put downs
- Using the children to coerce you
- Threats to take the children away
- Criticising you
- Manipulating you to do things you wouldn’t normally
- Jealously (this is not a sign of love)
- Controlling behaviour (this is often masked as care)
- Minimising incidents – denial of abuse
- Blame Shifting (well if you hadn’t done X then I wouldn’t have hit/slapped/broke etc)
- Saying that something never happened in order to confuse you
- Verbal abuse
- Rigid gender roles i.e. women should stay at home
- Threat of revenge porn
- Cyber stalking
- Treating you in a sexually derogatory way
- Criticising your performance or withholding sexual contact
- Undermines your sexual orientation
- Destroys property
- Hits, bites, punches, spits, kicks
- Holds you hostage
- Breaking possessions that are yours
- Restraining you
- Hurts animals
- Child abuse
- Any kind of force used in an argument early in the relationship is not a good sign
- Attempting to make you financially dependant
- Controlling finances
- Running up debt in your name
- Hiding finances
- Turning up at your work unannounced jeopardising your employment
- Sleep deprivation so you cannot go to work or struggle to
- Removing your support network; prevents you from seeing family or friends
- Not allowing access to a vehicle/phone in order to do daily activities
- Checking up on you
- Checking your internet history, phone records, questioning where you have been and who with
The potential for homicide:
Some domestic violence is life threatening. All domestic violence is dangerous, but some abusers are more likely to kill than others and some are more likely to kill at specific times. The likelihood of homicide is greater when the following factors are present:
- Threats of homicide or suicide: The abuser may threaten to kill himself, the victim, the children, relatives, friends, or someone else;
- Plans for homicide or suicide:The more detailed the abuser’s plan and the more available the method, the greater the risk he will use deadly force;
- Weapons:The abuser possesses weapons, and has threatened to use them in the past against the victim, the children, or himself. If the abuser has a history of arson, fire should be considered a weapon;
- “Ownership” of the victim:The abuser says things like “If I can’t have you no one can” or “I would rather see you dead than have you divorce me”. The abuser believes he is absolutely entitled to the obedience and loyalty of the victim;
- Centrality of victim to the abuser:The abuser idolizes the victim, depending heavily on him or her to organize and sustain the abuser’s life, or the abuser isolates the victim from outside supports;
- Separation violence:The abuser believes he is about to lose the victim;
- Repeated calls to law enforcement:A history of violence is indicated by repeated police involvement;
- Escalation of risk-taking:The abuser has begun to act without regard to legal or social consequences that previously constrained his violence; and
- Hostage taking: He is desperate enough to risk the life of innocent persons by taking hostages. There is a very serious likelihood of the situation turning deadly.
The Psychology Part
We now take a look at the psychological effects of domestic abuse. How this manifests itself in your psyche. Why you behave a certain way, to certain actions. Maybe this will help give you some answers.
Written by the fantastic Kelly Bristow – Author of A Prison Without Walls
Humans are physical creatures who feel safe in familiar surroundings. Security and stability are two states which we all strive to obtain. Our life is designed and constructed from our past. We are born to bond, to connect to another. We are intrinsically driven to engage, share, socialise and unite to a person, group, culture or cause. This gives our life meaning and purpose. When a traumatic event occurs in a person’s life, they are faced with making a decision. During our whole life we collect and amass experiences, memories and negative emotional states from the physical world.
When something happens that impacts on our health or survival, we make a snap decision that is automatically and unconsciously evaluated from experiences rooted deeply in our mind from childhood. This response shapes the way in which we form bonds to other people. When a child had a nightmare, they ran to the arms of the nurturing mother or father, who soothes the child’s worries and reassured them they are safe. Sometimes we can experience other emotions during an experience such as this and we are rejected or told we are being silly.
This then implants in a young child’s mind and is stored for future reference when needed in times of trauma. In a violent experience, the person experiencing the trauma will attach themselves to the other person as the anxiety that they have experienced feels uncomfortable and the freeze response has taken control. They stay in the situation for fear of their life. Their whole existence then becomes a dependency on the person who has full power and control in the traumatising situation.
When rationally our minds know something is bad for our health, we rationalise the experience to alleviate internal pain such as anxiety or stress. A common ingredient in addiction is the cognitive dissonance of knowing the substance is bad for us, but feeling compelled and driven to have it even more.
In a violent experience, the person will be aware that what has occurred is wrong but due to the trauma bonding, they are unable to break free from the chain of events that led to the situation. Over time, their beliefs have been hijacked and they now came to believe the projections and instigation’s that have been repeated to them over a period of time.
Inevitably, they will accept responsibility for the event as that is what has been conditioned of them, but somewhere buried deep is the reality that violence isn’t acceptable, but has no way of escaping the situation as their beliefs are too entrenched in their personality to see any other alternative. The familiarity of their childhood traumas reassures them that all is well. Dissonance increases with the importance of the subject, this determined how strongly the dissonance conflicts with our inability to rationalise or explain the conflict.
It’s a powerful motivator, central to all forms of persuasion and manipulation tactics in shaping a change in beliefs, values, attitudes and behaviours.
With forced compliance; doing something against your request which is inconsistent with your beliefs. An incentive may be used, to ensure their compliance in the order. A threat, look or symbolic message will be expressed, either physically, verbally or emotionally. Forcing you into making a decision between two opposing alternatives and then weighing up the pros and cons.
Dissonance is strong when we believe something about ourselves and then do something against that belief, a decision of opposites. An example would be; as long as I appease him he won’t get angry. To alleviate this mental distress we can justify our behaviour by changing the conflicting cognition; nobody is that callous and cold that they would deliberately hit you. I must of provoked him? Or, we can justify our behaviour by adding a new cognition; he didn’t really call me a degrading name, it was a joke and I am too sensitive. I must learn to accept sarcasm.
If the experience was negative or the end result turned out badly. The dissonance is then reduced for the recipient, by justifying the experience.
This is part of the deal when you are involved with a personality disorder individual. It doesn’t occur in a healthy relationship because healthy relationships are based on transparency, what you see is what you get, flaws and all. With a personality disorder there is a Jekyll and Hyde style personality, a mask of sanity, a person so charming and influential that hides a malicious and and destructive self.
The relationship is based on emotional abuse, psychological manipulation, domination, deliberate and pathological lies, covert and overt manipulation. It’s all smokescreens and mirrors. When ending a relationship with a personality disordered individual; stalking, cyber-stalking, smear campaigns and harassment are the closing chapters of the relationship.
This highlights their their inability to detach from the dominant bond they held over you and will continue to terrorise you with fear, until they regain control. In a healthy relationship, two people can move on, in unhealthy relationships, this isn’t possible. The person is raging at this loss of power, and in the final stages, the victim is extremely vulnerable and is genuinely at risk, with their life.
Triangulation then comes into the game, the perpetrator will rally his supporters and defenders and their pathological frame of reference to continue to devalue you, smear campaigns or indirect threats via intimidation. Using other people to continue their campaign of terror against you. Whatever the perpetrator or the followers say, does not matter, the mind games are there to keep you locked in the game.
Your life becomes an internal battle between denial and truth. You deny that anyone could possibly act like this, with ruthless and callous intent. You deny that there is anything wrong with this individual, as they can be charming and enigmatic too, this denial of reality protects the victim from the truth of the psychopathic characters, and the fact that they are involved with such a beast.
Confronting the sad reality that you were never loved back, or that this person has conned and manipulated your whole existence is so painful to address. Yet your evidence of the truth builds up higher and higher, the final outcome can be devastating to face. It affects your metal body because his opinions still affect you, his ties to others, even those he claims to love, like children, who are used as tools to obtain the upper hand in legal situations.
Children are their personal collateral, to be used for power play mind games. Your rational, logical mind knows this, but if you still have emotional ties, if you still care what he thinks or feels, then your still giving a disordered person too much power over you.
This is the most dangerous aspect of cognitive dissonance, because your emotional investment has been in vain. To eliminate this inner tension, means to free yourself, body, mind and heart from the sociopath. When you start to feel uncomfortable, stop and look for the inner conflict. How did it come about? Did somebody else put it there. If so, you can decide not to play with them anymore.
Trauma bonding is the misuse or manipulation of fear, excitement, sexual feelings and sexual physiology to entangle another person to them. Perpetrators tend to exhibit extreme behaviours and risk taking. Bonding is biological and emotional, once we bond with someone, they become important to us. Unlike love, trust or attraction bonding is constant that cannot be lost. It gets stronger over time. And often, during times of hardships, difficulties and stress, the bond intensifies more so than positive good times.
Biologically growing up in a chaotic home has a stronger effect than cognitive bonding. This is because the person as a child learnt that during childhood the chaotic home or traumatic event created a numbing effect to intimacy. Therefore their emotional levels were muted. In adulthood they respond positively to a dangerous person because it makes them feel. In non physical abuse, the perpetrator uses a water-torture technique.
Where the perpetrator uses a drip dose of small and demeaning crazy making behaviours, at low volume. Often it is the victim that loses composure and acts out which enables the primary aggressor to use force and restraint in a dominating manner and then is justified with over excessive use of force, to then claim it was self defense.
What has really happened is the abuser has used this manipulation tactic to deflect blame on his behalf. The truth is uncovered when you discover who is controlling and limiting the other because this what drives escalation.
This unhealthy bonding, also known as Stockholm syndrome, the abuser alternates between carrot and stick conditioning. The perpetrator interlaces abuse with lying, cheating, threats, directly or indirectly and physical assault. With acts of small kindness, gifts or cards, flowers and taking you out on a date, apologies and compliments. Any woman without the conditioning of a narcissist, having spent months or years in the cycle of idealisation and devaluation would see that these small acts of kindness doesn’t justify the abuse suffered.
Yet women who have been conditioned with cognitive dissonance and have trauma bonded with her abuser, her independent judgement and autonomy has been severely arrested and impaired, these small acts of mercy are a blessing that the pain will stop, that the abuser is committed to changing his ways. She hopes he has learnt to love and appreciate her.
She wants to believe him when the pattern of abuse is repeated over and over again. She believes that if she loves him unconditionally, he will eventually see the light. She is subjected to emotional manipulation when he declares he will commit suicide without her in his life.
He portrays that he needs her love and support to enable him to change for the better, he cries and sobs to make his disguise believable. He uses overt deception to keep her at his mercy, he strings her along with his promise of redemption, and she sees that he can change, he can behave well, she then takes on the blame that she is at fault.
Such is the entrenched conditioning of the relationship, her life is reduced to the one dimension of the narcissist. She dresses, cooks, cleans and makes love to please the narcissist.
Through trauma bonding and fear tactics, her life is reduced, her self esteem depends on the perpetrator’s approval and is hypersensitive to his disapproval. As she knows, to upset him could trigger any number of abuses tactics designed to keep her helpless and dominated.
For survival, she has to adapt her whole personality, to enable her to cope with the insidious manipulations. The truth is that perpetrators and narcissists can’t be pleased, it’s all about control, the more they get from their victim, the more they demand.
After years of abuse and mistreatment, she may be too depressed or discouraged to leave. She may not have the resources to leave, voluntary homelessness isn’t an easy decision to make. The perpetrator has damaged her self esteem so much that she may feel ugly and unattractive and doesn’t see a future beyond what she already has. Who will believe her, where can she turn for support and comfort.
Who will understand that she is terrified for her life is she leaves. The relationship is never about equality or mutual love. This she cannot understand during her life with him, she gave her heart to love him only to discover she loved an empty dark hole. This reality is mind shattering to the person who gave their heart.
To change reality To be gas lighted is to be brainwashed, spellbound by something your eyes are unable to see. Gas lighting is a psychological manoeuvre that creeps in through the back door and eventually holds you hostage.
You can’t see anything, you just feel unsure, afraid, alone, worthless, subservient. The list is endless. But uncertainty of reality sits at the top. Insecurity follows in. To be brainwashed is where your mental state is ambushed and the truths are rewritten. You no longer exist as a human being in your own right; you have now become someone else’s possession. Your feelings are not yours! Your mind is not authentically yours.
Here’s how it works. You always place your keys on the kitchen window sill. It’s a habit you’ve formed for months, your keys had a place where you could always find them. But recently you’ve become more stressed but unable to pin point why you’re stressed. Then one day, you go to the kitchen window and they’re not there? You’re searching and searching but you can’t find them. Your husband/wife or partner then helps you look for them and you find them in the kitchen drawer. But you checked the kitchen drawer first (as that’s where the back door key is kept) and they weren’t there?
The first doubt creeps in and/or you internally give yourself a negative quote. You brush it off and tell yourself to be more vigilant next time? You apologise and thank your partner and carry on with your day, thinking nothing about the keys.
Next time it happens, you can’t find your keys and this time, your partner isn’t helping you look for them! Either he’s not interested or he’s busy? You finally find them in your jacket pocket? You’re puzzled why they would be there? But you tell yourself it’s an easy mistake because you’ve been quite stressed out lately. You internally tell yourself something negative again. The next time it happens, your partner decides to help you find them and announces they were on the window in the corner? How odd? You were sure you checked the whole window, and certain they weren’t there?
This pattern then repeats itself over time, until eventually you openly admit to your partner that you’re terrible with your keys. He agrees, and adds something on top of your sabotaging talk like – ‘you keep doing that. You need to get a grip woman. Or ‘yeah you’re useless like that. ‘You even forget to pick up my prescription every fortnight, I have to keep reminding you’. You’ve now successfully implanted a negative belief about yourself. And, you’re less likely to challenge him/her because you have actually lost your keys on a number of occasions. You think the truth of the situation is that your become quite scattered with your possessions.
A negative imprint is planted in your psyche. Now read again and ask yourself why the keys showed up (where you left them) when your partner helped you? But other times he wasn’t interested in helping you? Why were the keys mysteriously moving from a habitual place, to somewhere that you’d be unlikely to look but an obvious place to lose them? Does this explain how self-doubt begins the slow boil of gas lighting? It’s only the beginning of the brainwashing. But, the most insidious of psychological strategies of them all.
It starts really small, but eventfully layers upon layers of doubt creep in. Before long, you’re a shadow of your former self and have successfully become a serving slave to a sinister master. The game of opposites is now in effect. The predator now has you unbalanced in your mind. You’re starting to doubt your own judgement. By moving objects that are real and then replacing them, you’re now feeling off balance, you just can’t verbalise these strange, niggling feelings of insecurity.
The stage is now set for level two in the game. Idealisation and devalue in equal measure. He says. “I want to take you out to dinner. Do something special together.” He employs charm, charisma and deception by proxy. “Wear the backless dress I bought you. You look so sexy in that outfit,” he smiles and gives you a look of lust and passion. “We can go to the bistro on the high street.”
You submit easily as your now believing he is charming and deliciously attractive. He is now back to the person you know again, considerate, appreciative and complimentary. Bombarding your ego with flattery and feel good hormones flood your body. Then during the day you will be bombarded with amorous texts of devotion and loving gestures. Telling you everything you want to hear. You submit because, for once, he’s telling the truth about you. How amazing you are, how beautiful you are. Validating everything that is you. How he’d be nothing without you. You believe it because deep down its true. He is nothing without you. He’s an empty vessel and needs to feed of your spirit. You talk a couple of times on the phone; he says he booked the table for seven. Then he sends a text reminding you to wear the black dress he bought you.
A flash of doubt crosses your mind, “I thought he said backless dress” but you’re not sure now. You brush it aside. Because you can’t trust your judgement and you rely on his text! You wear the black dress.
Level two in full swing.
This happens consistently for however long it takes to takeover full power of your mind. Once a serious of these episodes have been cemented in the duration of the relationship. You’re mind has been fully brain washed and the next stage of the game begins. Power through fear Once you’ve completed level one and two, the next passage is implanting FEAR.
Your weakness is your poor judgement and it’s now become the predator’s biggest asset to controlling you. It usually begins with an argument or debate that gets heated. He’s envious of something you did and now he needs to be reassured of your devotion. The ego tricks of the mind come in to play. You reassure him, but it doesn’t work. He needs to see that he has the upper hand. The banging down of objects to make you flinch now starts occurring at something you said. Furniture starts getting punched due to something that made him jealous. You start being shoved or pushed out of his way. A slap to calm you down when you’re getting hysterical trying to justify yourself.
You may experience harder physical blows like a punch or being grabbed forcefully. He needs to hear you’re still totally committed to him and this validates his fantasy that he gaining more power and control.
Defence mechanisms to protect you ego now start engaging and you’re repressing your emotions to console his. You rationalise this as a one off incident. You justify the anger as it was something you did! You placate the predator and tell him you’re sorry for looking at the waiter. For upsetting him so much, you can’t bear to watch the human suffering from a small misunderstanding. You express your love for him, telling him he’s all you think about. He’s your world. He’s now employing the blame and deflect strategy. He says. “I get so angry seeing other men lusting at you!” Or “I didn’t mean to lose my temper… I don’t keep what came over me… I’m just so protective of you… You’re like my little diamond that I don’t want anyone to steal away from me… God I would kill for you… You’re so precious to me”.
Trap two – your precious to him.
You will get this loaded with convincing emotion, pinching the bridge of his nose to hold back tears. It can never be his fault. Never will be his fault. A lesson you will learn in time. You now start to believe you made him angry. It was your fault he got angry.
Yes he accepts your apology and calm is restored Re read the last statement he made and drop the ‘for’ because that’s what he means. “God I would kill you”. But you don’t hear this as the verbal word is powerful and the mind games are in full swing. However, believe this, in time, he will repeat these words with a chilling, menacing tone, laced with a venomous glare. This is all part of the game. “Know your place woman”. Is the underlying motivation behind the action? “Do not challenge me. I am Man! I am God!”
Trauma bonding and emotional rape. Where a person identifies with their perpetrator and believes their life is dependant on them. They accept small tokens of praise and appreciation in exchange for being able to live. Some go on to defend their perpetrator from legal institutions as the bond is so entrenched in their behaviour.
How does it apply to domestic violence. The perpetrator has eroded the mental, emotional and physical body so severely that the victim no longer trusts their own judgement. They begin to believe that escaping is futile and make the best of a bad situation. When life is calm, and some sense of normalcy is experienced, the victim rationalises the previous traumatic event as a one off experience. She believes the endless pleas and tears, she feels the pain of the perpetrator and desperately wants to help them and support them in their plight to change their destructive behaviour. They admit to all wrong doings and express shame and regret. They promise to be the charming man they first met. They may even get swamped with gifts or affection to hook the victim again. An over explosion of declaration of love and earnest promise of change let the victim believe in him again.
Sometimes this can last months, but eventually the pattern starts all over again. He then starts to discard and devalue her, and the cycle begins again. She may try calling the police, only if he comes straight back to the house, he tells her the police thought she was unhinged, crazy and imbalanced. He states that good women stand by their man, he applies the vows of better or worse. He uses excuses of being drunk or on drugs to excuse his behaviour. He plays with her higher emotions and gets her empathy and compassion to tolerate this suffering, submitting to his pathological lies. Once this cycle has re started. The emotional rape is now being implanted firmly in her mind and she is not aware of the impact this cycle of rape is causing her.
She can’t see she is being raped as she is freely being compassionate and caring. Attending to his emotional needs and neglecting her own. At this stage in the game your emotions have been heavily invested in the relationship. You begin to believe it’s normal. You may have even scratched the surface of this and had a brief talk with a girlfriend about it. But you could never reveal the full truth as she will judge you for being weak and pathetic for staying there. So you talk about the usual fights and squabbles. And you somehow believe that everybody has these relationship problems. “It’s what men are like”. You will hear frequently. At this stage in the game you’ve either tried to leave the abusive relationship or are now starting to plan some form of escape. He’s proven to be a damaged soul and his strategy is starting to lose effect.
The next level is to emotionally rape you. How! By telling you he will commit suicide if you ever leave. Or if you’re trying to leave. He may even take some tablets and stage the event so you will see he is being honest. Being so caught up in the drama of the game, you respond compassionately. Or he will fabricate an Illness. Usually something terminal like testicular cancer or some other illness that he has to attend hospital appointments, where you will be left out of the process.
A deceptive lie to engage your emotions. This is part of the sadistic plan, to make you feel ashamed to leave him in such a fragile mental or physical state. How cruel could you be if you left and he had cancer? Any normal human being is driven to help alleviate suffering and has the compassion to support those who need help in fragile health. But this is a game. He has no illness and his mental well-being is all part of the plan. This is emotional rape. When the game is up and you call him out on this, he can deny all of it and claim your sadistic for insinuating he could do this.
Financial abuse is a tactic to encourage dependency. It’s to ensure all financial control remains in one person’s hands, the oppressor.
The purpose is to enable further degradation and humiliation against the victim. You can’t be trusted with the finances, you can’t be trusted with your own memory, let alone be able to have some financial responsibility, which your quite capable of managing. This undermines your self esteem and self worth. One of the tactics of financial abuse, is where you both agree to a joint bank account and you pool all your wages in to the account, but the other one doesn’t. Or you share a joint account and the purpose of not having your own account is to ensure, you never accumulate any resources to leave.
Another aspect to this abuse is where you both have joint credit agreements, and your the one paying for them. The same applies to joint credit cards, and the other is spending innocuous amounts of the money. A more insidious tactic of financial abuse is where the person claims to have in insurance policy or something like a cash injection from a blame/ claim dispute, or a fabricated inheritance but is unable to get their hands on the cash as its in the process of being issued, so they depend on your financial generosity to carry them through until the pay check arrives. By the time it does arrive, if it does arrive, and isn’t another pathological lie, another drama or financial outlay is impending and the money you’ve been handing over, never returns.
Handing over the rent or mortgage money to your spouse to pay bills with, and later discovering your going to be evicted as they didn’t pay the mortgage or rent. This in taking money without consent. You gave money to pay for your living expenses and your other half spent this on having a wild time. The tactic’s for financial rape are endless, it usually begins with small sums that are repaid back, to enable and develop trust, then the larger sums of money come into effect.
Financial abuse is endless and is designed to get you under full control of the oppressor, to ensure that your will not venture away from them and encourages full dependency to the disordered personality.
Your psychological makeup is developed through your interaction with your environment. It’s your personality. It’s also the main stage of your shadow self. Your insecurities. Your weaknesses. Your behaviours, all make up your psyche. Your traumas and achievements all add impact to your psyche.
Projection – Pacing blame, emotion or energy onto another person. In domestic violence and bullying it is usually conveyed in the form of aggression. When someone is having uncomfortable feelings, where they are emotionally immature and unable to process the emotional state they feel, they manipulate these uncomfortable feelings onto another person to relieve the distress they feel. Feelings such as guilt, envy, fear and shame. The master manipulator can mimic, rehearse, imitate and act feelings that they personally don’t have. By watching observing and listening to how a behaviour is conveyed, they are able to imitate this behaviour themselves to enable them to manipulate your emotions and take control of your responses both emotionally and mentally, without your knowledge.
They do this in insidious ways. Words are the most powerful weapon in humanity. The lesson is in the actions following those words.
Coercive manipulation is an attack on your basic human rights. It’s designed to confuse, silence and intimidate the victim. Indirect intimidation: Slamming things down, banging things with a hint of anger. Menacing glances. Verbally intimidating or threatening attacks from a passive aggressive mindset. All contribute to conditioned behaviour responses. Psychological tactics are to induce fear in the target; the brain then registers this response as flight or fight.
Anxiety and adrenaline floods through the bloodstream. You’re then left to either run away or face the abuse. Over time this conditioning erodes away at your character. Subtle attacks. To provoke anger or fear and using degrading themes. This puts the victim in the defensive. Being told you’re a slag when you know you’re not. You start to justify and defend your honour.
The misogynist starts to express himself and makes his comments personal to you, directly or indirectly. Anger is the preferred reaction in psychological war, as it de-stabilises you and this is how the perpetrator can throw in his subtle ambiguous attacks, it increases your anxiety and your body is flooded with adrenaline and cortisol, raising blood pressure giving sweaty palms, tremors, overwhelming panic, racing heart and bowel urgency to name a few. Ambiguous language and sentence structure, leaving the victim confused to the meaning. Humans like and need security and certainty. In abuse ambiguous language is a useful skill to create confusion and doubt in the victim. Metaphorical speech and hidden threats, using sarcasm to hide real motives and thoughts. Being told you’re too sensitive, overriding your well-being and integrity.
Your personality is hijacked. Insidiously. Your shadows and weaknesses are now part of the agenda of power and control. To a narcissist. Your food and he needs your full cooperation to satiate the bottomless pit of human violation and degradation needed to feel more powerful. The game gets more and more exciting for them. It’s drama. It’s fun to torture and abuse you. The flood of adrenaline for them is addictive. Playing their tactics on the safe side of sadism and concealed from ever being discovered for the weak coward they really are. The game gets juicier and the kicks become more abhorrent and dehumanising. It’s a personal battle that society has drip fed to humanity through patriarchal conditioning.
You’ve had it now. It’s the final straw and you gather the courage.
Which has taken every ounce of your being to pull together, it takes courage and strength, the tiny bit of strength you have left and call the police? Or you get out of the house. Out of his orbit and you breathe.
Finally, you breathe and it feels wonderful, but terrifying in equal measure. But the police can only keep him overnight. Tomorrow he returns. Or worse. You answer his call. He’s begging you, sobbing down the phone. He promises to change. To attend anger management. To see a medical professional. To get help for his awful behaviour. You don’t buy it anymore. Then the games become a psychological minefield to the inexperienced victim. He threatens to call your employer and tells them all the secrets you’ve told him. He threatens abhorrent abuse against your birth family. He’s going to kill your beloved pet. He’s telling all your girlfriends everything you called them. He’s going to expose you as the evil one by creating smear campaigns. In an act of violence and terrorised for the safety and welfare you feel responsible to protect your extended family, your pet, your pride.
You return, with shame consuming you. Beaten. Defeated. Alone. In your thoughts of despair, where can you be safe?
Psychiatry calls this behaviour a Personality disorder. The prison system only appears to accommodate the sloppy ones that get caught. The legal system has accepted the plea as a crime of passion, or his manipulation tactics are so exceptional, that he has them believing his pathological lies.
The sociological system is encouraging their domination through cultural and peer traditions. The media is feeding the sexual predator with images of degradation, misogyny and lust. Bombarding society and normalising pornography so it becomes the normal standard behaviour for everyone. The media promotes violent books and degrading romance stories that encourage young minds to engage in abusive behaviour.
Television adverts encourage alcohol intake, to induce addiction and to numb down your awareness.
It can happen anywhere on the journey into hell. But it is most difficult to identify after the psychological conditioning has taken effect. Society, judicial system, media and cultural differences help shape the conception of what constitutes as rape.
Women in particular are blamed for everything regarding a sexual assault.
The full responsibility hangs on the woman.
Regardless of the fact that it actually takes two people, only one is to blame. It’s usually the woman, the story goes back to the beginning of time, eve was responsible for the descent from Eden. Eve was the woman who cannot think for herself, she should of been kept under Adam’s reign and not defied her partner. Her disobedience is responsible for the fall of humanity. Women are blamed again! By religion!
It’s because she dressed provocatively! She asked for it! She never said no! She has a reputation so she’s easy prey? The list is endless, but denies all responsibility and accountability on the man. In prisoner of war camps, terrorising and denying the hostages basic human rights enables the predator to carry out inhumane acts against the hostage, to access information or extract a submission, these tactics help reduce the victims defenses. In a domestic situation, this doesn’t count. They were married, therefore she knows this is part of the marriage contract. They live together, oh my god, how dare she walk past him to visit the bathroom whilst getting changed for bed in her underwear and solicit him! She asked for it!
A predator instigates an argument because he’s angry, he needs to release this anger and will pick a fight to relieve some of the pressure, then after the fight, when nothing actually was resolved, she becomes worn down. Or she may still be upset with the verbal onslaughts that have been exchanged and now she feels defeated. The last thing she wants is SEX!
But he’s still has this pent up aggression and it needs to be released. She says no, the onslaughts start all over again. He uses his manipulative tactics to promise intimacy and connection. For some women this is respite from the war zone she currently resides. For others, it’s a chore that has to be done to allow her to sleep. It’s becomes a means to an end. The mind games regarding use of sex are intricate and insidious.
Gas lighting comes into play, loaded with contempt and indirect threats of getting it elsewhere and it will be her fault as she was inadequate. Her feelings are insignificant now. Her emotional well being and spirit is begging for it all to stop. Sex is about power. Period.
In healthy intimate relationships, this is managed and respected. But in unhealthy relationships, it’s a given rule that man needs sex and his wife is going to submit. By manipulation, she will surrender. But surrender doesn’t excuse the fact that she was coerced and bullied into it. This is rape.
Under duress, and by continuous badgering and verbal onslaughts against her. The woman is now submitting against her own humanity for peace. She surrenders her body in defeat, as she now has learnt that it’s a means to an end. The onslaughts will now stop. This can lead to physical assaults during sex too. Or degrading acts portrayed through pornography. The degradation of the feminine is being slaughtered against the masculine.
She has a choice, she can either comply – or face abuse.
Physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological or altogether. Say no and get a slap or pushed off the bed, or worse, a full physical beating. Verbal abuse about her sexuality, she can walk away, to ignore the abusive battleground, only to be followed around, harassed and stalked, by further abuse. It’s never ending, until submission is achieved.
Where psychological, emotional, spiritual and mental abuse that has been sadistically applied in layers to the psyche. Different traumas of psychological and emotional development help shape the personality along with conditioning from society, parenting, religion and all other aspects of authority, conceal the truth of the trauma. It’s a slow and crippling disease that’s spreading throughout humanity. You’re not supposed to be weak; you’re powerful, bigger than your ego and mind and far more superior to those voices in your head. Your heart is capable of miracles, if you just overcome your fears. Your heart seeks a different truth. It’s seeks connections, community, unity, oneness, freedom. It will find that connections in the most hellish of circumstances of experience.
Perpetrators of abuse are essentially spiritually devoid, lacking any empathy and craving domination and power. They can be compared to a robot or a clone. As they are able to function perfectly? How do you spot an enemy? Spirituality is the very essence of your true voice, your power, all those traits and qualities that are suffocated by the fear based reactions we all have. Ego tricks of the mind. The ego isn’t the bad guy, it’s designed to make you confront your fears and conquer them. You can either conquer or be conquered by a power darker than your own. Spirituality is energy, an energy that gives, without wanting anything back. It forgives, without permission. Its compassion, empathy, innocence, grace and unconditional love. It’s knows no prejudice. It’s endless and gives each one of us a feeling of connection. It’s humbling and serves a greater humanity.
Fear is driven and charged by wrath, anxiety, helplessness, vanity, greed, gluttony and prejudice. These sins all feed the generator. When you drop the fears, you access the grace of pure love. Our spirit is that consciousness that resides deep within. It knows no evil. It can see without eyes, hear without ears, smell without scent, taste without flavour and touch without physicality. It’s knows without knowing. Our soul and mind can work in tandem, the mind talks, the soul feels. In the stomach, the soul has another voice that the mind struggles to comprehend. The soul’s voice is the voice of intuition, the tool we all need that delivers us to safety. It’s a knowing, trusting force. We’re all born the same, we all have a soul, we have a mind, we feel emotions, we can dream.
However, were not all born equal? Don’t be fooled into believing everybody is just like you. You will lose vital life force energy from those who come from the dark side agenda. Like vampires are only able to function at night, there is a breed among humanity that can only survive by stealing your life force, your energy. They are able to function as a normal human being, through siphoning your higher emotions of compassion and forgiveness, which makes the perpetrators look normal. However, through engaging with a soulless being, you will notice how exhilarated they become during exchanges of power over. By engaging you into fear based emotions. They feed on fear, just like vampires feed on blood. It’s everywhere and as society is so enmeshed in media stories of tragedy and war, collectively, we spiritual beings are being tricked into giving the generator of darkness energy- power.
Their agenda is to feed off fear. They exist as sure as the sun shines each day and the moon shines at night. They live among you and they will continue to breed and grow further into their demonic nature, until we collectively stop playing with them the mind games they need to survive. We’re all taught to believe love can conquer hate!
A common misconception that can be interpreted wrong, love can only conquer hate by walking away from them. You can’t love a spiritless person; they have a black hole that no amount of love and goodness can fill. They’re bottomless pit will never be sated, but your endless supply of energy and love will deplete you, eventually a mental or emotional illness will take over, and your life energy will slowly die. Your intuition is being attacked and suffocated. There’s a war going on right in front of your eyes. It’s not a physical war, that’s a decoy to turn you away from what really happening inside. As within so without. If your wage a war with your ego against someone else and feed your demons, how can you condemn the war happening in the world today. By engaging in the trap and returning to the battle with more ammunition to stop the enemy. No. Standing up and fighting back to physical wars is contributing to the collective fear of humanity. Your brothers and sisters are dying because your failing to acknowledge your part in the darkness.
It’s all about power, what are you doing with yours!
The devil was once an angel. He was gods favourite?
The novel, 50 shades of grey introduced the world to the insidious relationship of a sociopath and an innocent young girl. The story highlights the naivety in women and young girls, demonstrating a clear dominance and power over relationship. When you remove the billions and the luxurious lifestyle, Mr Grey suddenly is exposed as the typical profile of a serious personality disorder. Mr Grey demonstrates perfectly, what a sociopath, acts like, how he grooms his victim for his own devious pleasure. What is most disturbing in this story line is the fallacy that her love saved him? No it didn’t. This is completely false and can never be proven.
Sociopaths are incapable of love? They don’t have any to give, that’s the reason why there is so much controversy regarding the book. Your love, gods love, any love, will not ever break through a sociopaths heart. They are not interested in love, just the image of you adoring them is enough to keep their ego happy. This is the power of the sociopath. They can mimic all emotions and deliver them with Oscar performing miming and acting. It’s a game of divide and conquer. There is also a contract, or rules that are to be played with the game. Similar to the 50 shades story, However, you won’t be informed of any of these tactics, as they are obtained by scrutinising all your insecurities and fears and using them as ammunition at a later time, to destabilise you.
The unspoken contract with a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath in the idolisation stage.
“You do not need to say anything, but it may harm your defense, if you do not mention, when questioned something you may later rely on in defense. Anything you say can and will be used as evidence against you in a court of law”.
Domestic violence is a violation of the Human rights of the individual; here are a few of the human rights of the victim! Are they upheld?!
A Right to life
Freedom of expression
Freedom from torture and inhuman degradation
Right to liberty and security Freedom of thought belief and religion Freedom from slavery and forced labour
No punishment without law
Right to an education and finally the right to a fair trial.
All of these components are violated against the victim of abuse and entrenched in the domestic abuse household. A victim has no voice, no rights and the very professionals that are needed to support are oblivious to the truths that make her reality a living hell. These rights are failing humanity, they are expressed covertly in relationships, the human rights of victims are ignored?
The public and general society asks, ‘why does she stay! She can leave whenever she likes, she’s not in prison!’
She stays because she has no money, voluntary homelessness isn’t an easy option to select. Her reasons for staying depend on the attitudes of her culture. Your judging her, preventing her from leaving. Your own prejudice against her is adding to the silence that society prefers to hide behind. The public today walks around with pods in their ears and covering their eyes, nobody wants to help or get involved.
People are too self absorbed in their own life to care about the trauma and terrorism happening next door, in their own family or even against their own sister, mother, cousin, daughter, niece, wife, grandmother.
Why does she stay? Where should she go? When she’s condemned to an eternal onslaught of further abuse from those around her. ‘It’s your own fault. You married him?’ She wasn’t looking or asking for your opinions, she needed compassion.
Dark love and the game of chess
A narcissist seeks power and control in all areas of your life. Emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, psychologically and sexually. This is a game and their motive is to divide and conquer. You are the pawn in a game of chess and their outcome is to make you checkmate yourself. Their crazy making strategy is to play on the psych of the whole human being and conquer your weaknesses, their strategy is to make you look like the guilty party. Basically, you hang yourself in the name of love! They use every persuasion tool in the box to deceive and con you; and you will either submit to their control and brain washing tactics, or you will exit, by either running for your life, or taking your life.
Their objective is to drive you right to the depths of insanity, by deceiving you in avoiding revealing their own. This is the strategy of their crazy making scheme, as the insanity lies in the pathology of the dark personality of the psychopath. This is to firmly establish that they were victimised all along by a mad person. It’s the most dangerous relationship you will ever encounter, and the effect of the experience will leave you completely shattered. Their endless supply of smoke screens and mirrors will leave you in a state of confusion, doubt, lost and terrified. The safest path to now choose is to exit. By leaving the relationship, you will feel abandoned, totally confused, afraid and in despair and once you realise you’ve been conned, you will begin to feel the emergence of anger. You want to avenge, you want to shout out and scream to the legal and medical profession that such a dysfunctional character is dangerous and a menace to society. Don’t.
That’s all part of their game, to engage you in another battle to prove your insane. You will never win, not against a true psychopath. By engaging in the battle, you keep the flame of negativity alive, polluting your soul further into despair. Defending yourself on social forums or to the police or the jury is encouraging the power play even further.
Ironically, defending yourself is an instinctive and healthy reaction in the proper context. However, with psychological mind games, defending yourself becomes a feast for the opponents ego. This is how sick our society has become, we’re all fighting against each other. Husband against wife, sister against sister, brother against brother. It’s all part of the plan, to bring everyone down into the game of negativity and darkness, so love, compassion and equality is overturned.
The energetic imprint of the psychopath, sociopath or narcissist is to strengthen the masculine energy that has been ruling humanity for centuries. The feminine energy is being driven down, suffocated by the dominance and power play of the masculine energy. This is how wars are created from country to country, race fighting against race, religions are pitted against each other for superiority. The masculine energy has created indifference, and like obedient sheep that we’ve been conditioned to be, we follow the crowd. Nobody knows who is right and who is wrong?
Individuality is being murdered due to the increasing levels of narcissism in society where prejudice reigns the headlines. Pathological liars the best of times, violent terrorists with raging outbursts at their worst. Masters of deception, the dark prince will find you, they are devoid of any empathy, morality or spiritual gifts, they are soulless beings residing in a human body, believing they are the ultimate, superior one! Totally ruthless and driven by anger, the battle between good and evil is in full swing. They seek out sheep to follow them, because blind sheep don’t know themselves, their waiting for someone to save them, to show them which was to go. The religions have duped you into believing you will be saved from this monstrous society, where rapists, murderers and thieves run amok. You won’t be saved, you have to face your shadows and embrace your darkness, because nobody is judging you more severely than your judging yourself.
Your constantly judging your actions and reactions to the games played between the darkness and essence of pure love. No one can condemn you to hell, your already in it. Take the lesson that’s been taught to you and grow, rise up and evolve, your enough. Your already whole, you don’t need someone to fill you up, you are enough. No religion, saviour or any other authority has the right to absolve you from any of wicked things you may or may not have done.
You have to forgive yourself, you have to save yourself. Walk out of hell. Nobody can force you, you have to do this part yourself, get up with your mind in tatters, your heart bleeding and your soul terrified, get up and walk out of hell, don’t look back.
You can do it!
It’s how you recover that determines whether you can thrive, or fall prey again. You’ve had the most traumatising experience you will ever encounter in your life, the Judas has blown his cover, he was right beside you all he time. In your bed, taking the most intimate and sacred gifts you had. Will you ever trust again?
Welcome to Hell
Narcissism works along a continuum, we’re all responsible for our own narcissism. Healthy narcissism is self care, pride in our appearance and achievements. Pathological narcissism is where the ego has shut down to higher emotions such as compassion, empathy and sharing. The ego has taken control of the person and everything is directed to the pacify, the narcissistic wound.
Narcissism is created in childhood through our ego and our personal experiences. These experiences support the development of our psyche. We learn and decipher good and bad experiences and label these experiences according to our psyche development. Depending on whether the experience was abandonment, abuse or rejection. Our psyche then holds this experience and decides how to overcome the painful reaction. As children we tend to want to please our care givers and will usually respond this way, when it is further rejected, the psych starts to develop coping skills to alleviate internal pain. These coping skills help to shape your emotional resilience to upsetting events, or will create an internal, emotional shut down, the result of which, is either neurosis or psychosis.
Not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissists. Statistics claim 4% of our society are psychopaths and 6% are narcissists. There are many more who have never been caught, so these statistics are inaccurate.
Psychopaths are experts at faking all human emotions, they can mirror, act and imitate all human behaviours, with Oscar performing acting skills. They are devoid of any morality, empathy and compassion. They consider these weak and pathetic, but will easily mimic, copy and replicate them to obtain your power from you. They are unable to feel anything emotionally, they are robots in human form. The one and only emotion that they can feel is anger, they have already shut down the pathway of love. Anger is the ruling force within their personality and attitude, uncontrollable rage is a weapon, a tool to obtain power. Not just to terrorise you, but to extract power from your fear.
Fear is energy, this fear feeds the collective unconscious and is the common denominator in social constructions. The collective is the power behind the structure, change is needed. People need to unite together to overcome social injustice. One voice stands alone, but a collective group has far more power than one leader. The structure of society is designed to keep the elite, as elite, and the rest of society must obey their orders. When a group of people unite to challenge those at the top, the collective unconscious is changed.
The population as a whole is far more powerful than those who sit at the top creating a new law. The only way to topple a structure or change a law, is to collectively join together, as a unified army.
How does such a strategy take place? How do they manage to function, how did you get fooled. How and why do they do this? What rules are they playing by? By using the seven sins of humanity, they live by these rules. This is what shapes the personality disordered individual in their quest for domination. Sex money and violence.
This is the first level of the game and the easiest strategy of them all. One of the deadly seven sins and the most efficient to bring a person down. In the playing field of the spirituality, the psychopath is devoid of any spirit, and needs yours to function and survive. The objective is to get you to either defend your vanity. Or destroy you in any means possible. If you hide away from your own shadows, the psychopath will force you to either face them, or submit to his shadow power. Losing your own power and handing it over to them. His own pride is what makes him powerful too, by using your vanity, he will idolise you, beyond comprehension, this is to validate you, to put you on a pedestal and elevate you. Your own vanity is part of the destruction as once this phase is complete they then devalue you, making you question the truth. A perfect contribution to cognitive dissonance and how the tactic works.
A psychopath is driven by the emotion of envy. It is well concealed but easily channeled. Their envy is to take from you, what they don’t have. Your goodness, your empathy and compassion, it’s what keeps them alive. Your love, generosity and empathy is their goal and they will use any tactic necessary to extract it from you. They are motivated by envy and it is displayed outward to anyone who knows them. They like to portray a life of bliss and extravagance, living like a king. At some point in the game, you will be consumed by the energy of envy, they will use triangulation to induce jealousy in you. This is to extract your energy, fear is easier to obtain and fills their ego further. Jealousy is one of the greatest weapons in their arsenal. They will triangulate and manipulate you into a frenzy of jealousy, they will use their family, your family, your friends, anyone that will validate their claim that you are the evil one.
How they use their rage to dominate and control you. They are adept at making you internalise your anger and this affects your whole mental well being. The anger that you feel when you expose them is exactly the tool to engage you in another final round of the game. Your anger, will be your noose to hang yourself with if you play into the final stage of the game. Passive anger, covert anger, intimidation, threats, blackmail all stem from this one emotion, anger. Their domination will suppress your anger to such a degree that you will either develop depression, anxiety or another immune disorder that holds your anger in your body. Essentially, harming your overall well being due to fear of expressing your anger.
They are insatiably greedy, driven by boredom and restless to a fault. They demand more and more and more, your will exhaust yourself by giving and giving and giving, until finally your run out of resources. They raise the bar or move the goal post again, their insatiable thirst for your energy, your compassion, your love, will never be sufficient. They need more of what you can possibly give, and you will be punished. Your will never be enough. You can never give enough, the pit is bottomless and empty. It’s full of holes and leaks, no amount of positive energy can relieve their insatiable appetite. It’s always about more, more, more.
An insatiable addiction to substances, they need alcohol drugs or food and they need more. This highlights their craving for more than is needed. They crave substances, because it makes them feel, but it also gives them an alibi. A get out clause, an excuse to continue behaving the way they wish to because as a society, we want to help those who have a chemical imbalance that makes them crave addictions. All genuine addictions are created by a trauma bond, psychopaths know this and use this to their own advantage. It relieves them of any responsibility that the Kelly Bristow addiction causes. They know that their addiction is also a get out clause, if they ever get caught out on their behaviour, they will have a perfect alibi, and blame it on their addiction. They are fully capable of full behaviour control, they choose not to because they lose the ability to blame it away, if caught.
Some psychopaths are able to maintain a high position in society. But those less educated are reluctant to work. They depend on their partner for labour. Whether this be an unfair distribution of labour within the home or a refusal to participate in the joint care of keeping the home and managing childcare of their children. Sloth is inevitable in the psychopath. A refusal to reflect on their behaviour, a preference to depend on excuses and lies to ward of any action needed to change dysfunctional attitudes and behaviour. They are far too special and too superior to work. The world owes them a living. You owe them. The welfare state owes them! They present themselves as living like a king, but reality is, they are slobs in nice clothes! Ah vanity poking in again.
A desire of the flesh, where fantasy and realty combine into a distortion of the sacred act of love, becomes a perversion to the unity of two people. Lust can extend as far as sexual abuse and rape, to subtle tactics of manipulation and coercive pressure, to declarations of love, designed to lure you into a world of passion, which then develops into a deeply disturbing perversion of the expression of love. By using your physical body to obtain your energy and feed their black hole that can never be sated. Lust is the weakness of everybody, it’s also the dominating force of a psychopath. Their main tactic to seduce and destabilise you, whether this is trickled down from sociological structures and conformity, or normalising the perversion of pornography, lust is a human weakness and every demonic creatures power tactic. Extracting sacred energy, filling up the collected unconscious in society to accept and conform. To comply and obey. Look deeper at it and you will see them at play. The sins of humanity penetrating the spirit of mankind. We’re dying from enslavement and nobody is coming to save you. Start saving yourself before you commit your own suicide, for the powers of the darkness don’t actually care if you live or die, to conquer is all they truly want, by committing suicide, they’ve won. Checkmate.
Kelly Bristow – Mother, Occupational Therapist, Bachelor of Social Welfare and Communities, Survivor and Author of
Kelly has kindly offered 50% of proceeds to go to the IWMM charity.